Day 1 – Finding My Focus

This is the beginning of a new chapter in my life as well as my debut blog post! A few weeks ago, everything in my life came to a breaking point. I’ve since made a decision to start following my happiness and my passion, both of which are currently unknown and way outside my comfort zone!

I’ve been faced with a few challenges since making my decision. The big one is my use of distractions. I use distractions like an addiction to avoid myself and my lack of self-worth. Am I worthy of success? Am I worthy of happiness, health and wealth?

It’s taken me a great deal of time to decide that yes! I am worthy of a good life! The major ways I have used distraction are through the self-help and new age scenes. There’s always a new technique, method or perspective to learn and apply for a few weeks then forget about. I found if I could keep grasping and jumping for a fantasy that someone else laid out then I would never have to face myself and live my life. I started seeing myself as broken and someone who needed to be fixed. If only I could work harder, juggle projects faster, eat correctly, change my perspective then one day I would become this “perfect” and “fixed” person.

One day, I woke up and my life was unbearable! I was trying so hard to fit into a mold that was clearly not meant for me. As a side note, I’ve realized the Great Goddess or Universe, or whatever label you give to this higher power, has a hilarious and dry sense of humor. She will always let you sit in your mess until you realize you’re headed in the wrong direction. She might even squeeze the path so that it gets harder and harder to the point where you stop breathing and progressing in life. I acknowledge that if I wasn’t so stubborn and determined that I wouldn’t have had to go to the end of the road to realize that it was so very wrong. Oh well, live and learn!

Near the end of this particular chapter, I decided that I had had enough. Quitting my job, creating a home in my car, purging the majority of my possessions with no concrete direction for the future has not been one of my best plans but sometimes drastic change is necessary. Comfort and the illusion of safety had become my crutch.

Shortly after my last day of working hard on someone else’s dream,  I planned a Vision Quest which consisted of a four day dry fast out in the mountains. It changed my life. I had taken one distraction with me which was my personal journal. I would use this tool to “process” everything I would be going through on the Quest. Thankfully, the Great Goddess intervened and my pen, the pen that never fails me, died the morning of my second day. I will keep the details of the Quest for myself and my heart but I have never realized how much time there is in a day. It dawned on me that without all the distractions, I could do and accomplish anything I wanted and I am worthy of my heart’s desires!

I’ve come back to my current reality with the relief that I can start fresh and come to terms with my past. My biggest obstacle is self-worth and believing in myself. I’m not sure what my next step is but I’m letting go and saying “yes” to the opportunities that come my way (as long as my heart agrees) which includes taking this 10-day blogging challenge. By letting go and quitting my habit of distraction, I hope to find a less abstract focus but happiness and passion are a good place to start!

Kat in water standing smiling.JPG

Choosing happiness and following my passion one day at a time!

This blog post is in response to Natalie’s 10 Day Freedom Plan Blog Challenge Day 1

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